Something was wrong. But she couldn’t quite point it out. She felt her crazy slowly dawning on her. Washing over her as if cleansing her… of all she knew to be right and true. Stripping her bare for the whole world to see. See her loneliness, heartache and pain. Her mother always said, “Whenever you feel lost, just look back. Remember where you come from, who you are. At that very moment, in a quiet clearing in the park, she sat down as if in meditation. Her lip curled ever so slightly as she resisted the smile that dared to show on her face when she thought about how flexible she is. At least that’s something positive she had going for her.
Her childhood had not been easy. She didn’t lack anything really. She had three meals a day, had a roof over her head and unlike most kids in her neighborhood her age, she went to school. Ever heard of ‘a face only a mother can love’? That was her. People didn’t go ooh and ah when they saw her. Hers wasn’t that situation where her parents always told her she was beautiful every day. They didn’t have time for that. They were busy making ends meet. Either that, or they didn’t consider it important enough. The bully in school only made things worse. She had gotten used to the fact that everyone else was better than her. No… she believed it to be the gospel truth. So every day she got to class expecting the worst but hoping for the best. What the bully said was law to her and the rest of the class. Thinking about it, she felt consoled that she was not alone. That must be evil of her, but she didn’t really care. A new year came and they got shuffled to a new class. With it came a new bully. She had accepted her fate. That in a world where the strong ruled the weak, she was to be ruled and in this man-eat-man scenario, she was the prey. So she willingly submitted. This not only affected her grades but her self-esteem suffered too.
Even now when she’s all grown up, the effects had not worn off. It’s better than it was before. She thinks back to how awkward her interactions with boys had been. All the girls her age had boyfriends. She wanted one too, but she knew she wasn’t beautiful enough for anyone to love her. She had crushes. Never had the courage to tell them how she felt. She always convinced herself that it’s because girls shouldn’t be the ones to confess first. Her mother always told her that she was a poor liar. Deep down, her fear of rejection confronted her. The realization dawned on her. She thought she would feel better about knowing what was troubling her, but she had this rock at the pit of her stomach. “It has to be my friend, fear”… Finally she was telling herself the truth. She deserved as much. At least from her own self. “I am way better than I was back then, aren’t I? I no longer look for validation from people. I’m smart and bold and beautiful. Not picture perfect and only I know the angles that flatter me when taking photos, still… I am awesome! I will not allow anyone to define who I am or judge me by my looks. I have so much more to offer. I know I will find a guy who loves me. Who will look past all the vain things and see me for who I truly am. No more judging the book by the cover. But for now… I need to reward myself. I’m gonna build myself an empire!!”