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How it all Begun.

A quiet, shy and conservative girl. That is what I was; and what I still am. Having such a personality, making friends wasn’t easy. And the few that I had, well let’s just say relating to them wasn’t easy. See, all through life, my friends have always been a lively fun-loving group. So mostly I just sat with them and listened. Not that I’m complaining… I love listening. With such a situation, what do you do when you need to talk to someone or get something off your shoulders?

I chose to write. I didn’t really choose, it just came naturally. Being born in a generation where TV watching was a main source of entertainment (much as the parents said television fries our brains), I enjoyed watching TV and wanted to become a screenwriter or a director. Then I discovered novels. I guess these are the only books I read without being pressured or watched. I even got in trouble reading them during class. After these I started reading articles in the newspaper and  literature class was my favorite of all. And that’s how I got into writing. I started with daily journals, tried poetry and short articles.

Most people tell me I over think… which is true. But that is what makes me who I am. I like looking at people and wondering what are they thinking? And how special they are in their own different ways, whether they know it or not..? I source my inspiration from the occurrences in my life, the people around me and the world as a whole. And that is what I intend to bring here. I also do a bit of photography. Therefore I will use some of my work in this blog. Let’s have fun as we walk together in this journey called life.

 

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Looking out into the beautiful world

Photo credits:- Joy Njeri.

To leave a comment, kindly fill in below. Your feedback will be highly appreciated

 

 

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Posted in Mood, Uncategorized

My Christmas Wish List

Some of my best work
The work I’m most proud of
I wrote when I was in pain
I wrote at my worst
My darkest moments
Times when I just wanted to scream at the world
And have nobody look at me like I’m crazy
When I wanted to punch something or someone
Without feeling the pain
Or fearing that they might beat me black and blue
You know when you are just walking angrily
At times I just want to step on the ground so hard
That it actually complains
I want to lash out at someone who has made me angry
And not be made to feel as if I’m the one who’s done wrong
Or feel like I have been unfair to the person
I’d like to cuss out words that the society deems unfit for the public
Say them as often as I want to and not feel guilty
I’d like to have the right to feel angry
Just be vexed and not have to hide it
Not have to plant a fake smile on my face
Simply because people do not understand that it is okay to be angry
It is okay to feel terrible
And that it is okay to not know what you are feeling
I wish they would understand that not being able to explain doesn’t make one a snob
That it’s not always that someone wants to be listened to or be given advice
Sometimes I just want to sit in the background and observe
Other times I want to indulge and not have to care about who is watching
Mostly I want to just sleep and not think about the deadlines that are waiting to be met
I want to relax
While not fearing that every second that I’m not watchful
Is an opportunity that passes me by
I would love to forget that with every passing day I keep growing older
And soon I will be graduating and it will be required of me to find a job
Or at least a means of income
I am not looking forward to a time when everyone will be asking me
“Why aren’t you getting married?”
Sometimes I want to run away and never get tired
Just leave it all behind
The standards that people uphold me to
The expectations expecting to be met
I want to be fine
But when I’m not, I would appreciate the peace and quiet
That would allow me to wallow in my sadness
The solitude that would allow me to be me
And reduce the temptation to insult people
Because trust me, I have a lot just piling up
Most which society would excommunicate me for
I would want a lot of things
Ice-cream and cake included, when I’m angry
But I’m always either too broke
Or too weak
Too lazy
Too considerate
Too human
Too much of an introvert
There is always something holding me back
Or too many eyes watching
But I guess we don’t always get what we want

 

Posted in Thoughts, Uncategorized

Solo-walking conversation (the voices in my head)

Yes, I mean exactly what the title says. Just as direct as it is. I’m talking about when you’re having a conversation while walking alone. Such are the times when I have the best most sensible conversations in my life. I know for there to be a conversation there has to be more than one person, but in my head it’s never a dull moment. It’s always a party in here. That’s why sometimes I have to write down stuff to in order to get some order. You know how a ball of yarn can get entangled and you have to like find the beginning then follow it all the way to the other end so as to untangle it?? Now that’s writing for me.
I get most of my ideas while walking alone. That’s when I have my thoughts to myself unlike when I’m walking in a group cause then I would have to keep talking to fill in any awkward silences. I’m a person who doesn’t like to be alone but at the same time I like being alone. It all depends on a lot of things. Like how I woke up feeling that day, where I am aaaand… Oh wait it’s just those two😄😄. There are days when I wake up preferring the company of others to my own, which is very rare. This happens when I’m indoors with nowhere to go and no particular movie or cartoon that excites me. By rare I mean those things that happen once in a blue moon. (Let’s just pause and imagine how beautiful a blue moon would be…😊😊… Okay that’s enough).

Then there are days when I want to just go out on my own. Not that I’ll go to a restaurant, order some chicken and sit down on my own. Nu-uh!! That’s depressing. (I do eat alone when I’m in town and in a rush). I’ll just get out of the house and walk. Trust me I can walk far! At times when I’m walking around school or in town people who know me say that I’m always passing them without saying hi. Well here is why. I’m always lost in thought. In a world of my own. At times it’s a dark world but that’s where I face my fears. Most times it’s where I brainstorm ideas and projects I would like to take on, most of which never come to pass, but at least I know I’m not that dumb😎. In my head is where I give speeches in front of a crowd about things I feel people should know. It’s where I have conversations with people I cannot approach directly. It’s the place where I have endless conversations with my crush and he opens up to tell me how he feels first.😂😂 Dreams!!!
The monologues I have in my head are where I play back things that already happened and I think of different scenarios and the different ways which they could have gone. It’s where I learn lessons from past experiences. Where I grieve my losses and comfort myself. Where I pat myself on the back when I’ve done something good.
Hell it’s where everything happens!!!
While I’m walking alone along a road or in the woods, maybe in a beautiful place full of green grass and beautiful flowers.
It’s the time when I discover things about myself. Things I wouldn’t otherwise have found out had I been busy. Things that make me understand how I relate with people and why.

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I don’t always have to be walking, the shower works too. With my eyes closed, I escape to a world where I am the empress, where I am boss, where I am the mailman and the delivery man, where I am both student and teacher, both parent and child. Where I’m a kid and an adult at the same time. It’s in my head that I live my dreams which is a constant motivation. In here is where I build my house and the interior decoration is like non anyone has ever seen before. It’s where I travel to countries I have only seen on TV and do adventurous stuff with friends who fear heights or are just lazy. It’s where I see my future together with my friends when we are working and have families.
As I said before, it’s a 24/7 thought factory in here. And it’s at approximately 97% efficiency when I’m walking alone.
That’s why when something is really troubling my mind, I go walking. That’s when I talk to my Father and He reminds me to keep calm cause He’s in control. And as I see all the creation around me, I really believe and my spirit calms down.
I came up with all this while walking ☺. But I had to sit down to write it. So can someone come up with a gadget that reads my thoughts and writes them down?? Techies anywhere?? (Not me, just because I’m an engineering student don’t mean I’m a techy person)

Posted in Motivation, Personalities and Temperaments, Uncategorized

Screw Perfection!!!

As I was checking out ‘Curiosity’, the app, I came to a realization.

I uninstalled my whatsapp for reasons even I don’t know and I needed to check some important messages. When I got to the Play store, I noticed it was telling me to download apps that I already have. Which didn’t make sense to me but I just kept browsing.
Naturally, I am a curious person. It was no surprise that I scrolled past ‘Curiosity’ then got back to it. I mean that name just screams, “Look at me!!!” Before downloading it, I went through the reviews. Of course no one ever believes the first few. I always consider them as click-bait. I click on ‘all reviews’ and they were encouraging with a few suggestions on things that the developers could work on. Sounded legit, so I installed it. (I never got to downloading WhatsApp in the end).

I know, I know… I sound like I’m advertising 😂. But no, this is the true chronology of events.

I dived right into reading the first article I saw. It was on perfectionism.

Guess what… I’m a perfectionist!! Now, I’m not sure if that is good or not.

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Some symptoms of perfectionism included:-

1. Thinking and acting in extremes
2. Procrastination
3. Difficulty in finishing projects
4. Trouble delegating
5. Putting up walls
6. Fixating on past mistakes

One of the things that really stood out for me is that I often fail to start a project for the fear of not doing it well, perfectly if I may say so.
Mostly applies to my writing. I’ve had times when I wrote a title and left it as a draft which I would later delete because I felt it wouldn’t be good enough or the content would not be interesting to an audience.

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I also have a habit of putting up walls. I do talk to a lot of people but rarely do I foster long-lasting relationships. I lack the drive to make true friends or open up and show any form of vulnerability. I also have a phobia of comforting people. When someone close is in trouble the first thing I do is freeze. I get disoriented and the anxiety confuses me. I just don’t know how to help. This is because I’m afraid that I might make the situation worse or I might not offer what the person needs at the moment. But that’s not to say that I am a terrible person 😊. I give great tight warm hugs!!! At times people just want to be embraced and I guess I do that well enough ☺.

Another thing is, I also fixate on past mistakes. I atone for them time and time again. But getting stuck in the past is not always the best thing as one tends to repeat the same things. That’s what guilt does to a person. Eats you up from within and in the end, you drown yourself while trying to free yourself. My fear of relationships also stems from some past mistakes. More about this to be found in All About Me

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I do have problems delegating tasks. I mean a wise person once said, “The only way to make sure something is done perfectly, is to do it yourself”. I’ve had times when delegating was a must. Still whenever someone failed to do their tasks, instead of insisting on making sure they do it, I just did it myself. I always find it easier that way.

But due to piling too many responsibilities on myself, I either ended up not finishing the project or just procrastinating it. I’m not sure if I think and act in extremes. I’ll have to meditate on that one.

Is it just me or is there a connection to each and every symptom?? It’s like one leads to another and another and another…

At the end of the article, there was a suggestion on how to deal with perfectionism. Did I mention that this has been related to mental illness?? 😕😰… Anyway, the author suggests that instead of obsessing on all the things that could go wrong, we should just think of how we could do things right. Things mostly tend to work out, right?

I mean, just do it!!✅✔😎

Kinda like how I’m just writing this not knowing if it’s useful information or not. If I had concentrated on making sure I had the perfect article to share with you guys, I would never have started this blog. But now, I’ve had it for over a year and still counting.

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So, I would really appreciate it if you left a comment by telling me what you think. Are you also a perfectionist?? If so, which symptoms affect you most? Also share with me any information you may have on perfectionism. I could have misdiagnosed myself 😂😂

Posted in Life, Life History, Uncategorized

My Heritage My Splendor

12th December 1964.

The day we became a republic. Our Jamhuri day. A day up till now we celebrate. (I wrote this title at a time when I felt so proud of Kenya. It’s sad that at this time I do not write on a positive note)

I’m afraid this day has become nothing but a day to get off work. We have forgotten how it all came to being. How people fought and died so that we can get our freedom, so that we can run our own country. In a previous article, I asked “Are we still colonized?“. I urged us to wake up and stand for our country. But what is happening now?

I weep for my country. The news now a source of stress and depression. Our leaders use our problems against us without our knowledge. Ignorance blinds us to reason. Demonstrations day after day with people getting hurt, some dying even. Businesses running on constant losses with our economy taking a nose dive? Children in all their innocence now know what tribalism is. Only that they do  not know that it is a disease that eats us from the inside, breaking down our systems and killing us slowly.

I grieve for Kenya. Hopelessness now the order of the day. The nurses’ strike has devastated the citizens with some seeking medical attention in neighboring countries. Not that they can afford a flight ticket, most of them have never even been out of their county. But what else can they do when their own country fails them? The youth have been promised employment opportunities regime after regime, still nothing. So I understand the desperation and the need for change. Being a young person I can relate to the struggles of working hard without knowing whether after obtaining your degree, you will get a job.

I wail for my homeland. I aspire to make a difference but I only have one vote. As citizens we queue for long hours to choose our leaders. We do not go to steal votes. Why can’t our leaders take our decision as is?? Non of them is innocent. They are all guilty of cheating and stealing from us. It gets to a point we choose between the evil we know and the evil we don’t know. Still after every election we hear about rigging and there is always a party that feels disadvantaged. What I think, and anyone is free to disagree, they all steal… only that one does it better than the other.

I pray for my motherland. That wisdom shall rain on each and every one of us. One politician said that we should not trust politicians. But we all know that politics definitely affects our growth as a country. So I pray that we may be wise and make decisions without thinking of our tribe or following a person blindly. I pray that we may only think of what is best for us as a country in unison. That the youth may get together and find better ways to solve our problems instead of burying our own. That the police may give security to peaceful protesters while businesses run smoothly. That the courts may make the right decisions considering today and the days to come. I pray that we will get servant leaders that put the country first.

This is our country and we will live here longer than the years a leader can be in power. People already shed blood and lost lives fighting for freedom, democracy and for Kenyan citizens. So why should we do it all over again? Most especially, why should we fight among ourselves??

 

Posted in photography, Travel, Uncategorized

Roadtrip !!!

This Tuesday we, at the University of Nairobi, got a forced holiday. It was quite sad but I decided to look on the bright side. We went to visit my grandpa and I sat at the front seat. Normally, I prefer the back seat so as to sleep all the way (I get car sick).

So this was a new experience🙄. I found out that all the while, this is what I missed out on…

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This was at around 5
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The evening came…

 

 

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The sun was setting…
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And the darkness came with beautiful hues…

I took all these while the car was moving, so pardon any blurriness that you may see. I’m still learning ☺

Share your thoughts with me. It is always useful and encouraging to hear from you 😊

Posted in photography, Uncategorized

Beauty of the Sunset_2

I like to seek beauty in every single thing or person around me. With the world so full of negativity, I refuse to drown in it all.

One of the things that are outrightly beautiful is the sunset. It just brightens my evenings and erases everything that might be troubling me. So I thought I’d share my bliss with you 😁

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This was the first one I took… On ‘auto’ mode

 

I also realized that I hadn’t exploited the full potential of my phone’s camera. So I started working on ‘pro’ mode. And here is what came up…

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My favourite…

That’s all I have for today. Do tell me what you think about my ‘photography’ skills and how I could do better. I’m open to all and any suggestions 😊

Posted in Mood, Uncategorized

As I am

I broke my walls down
In turn they broke me
Tore my heart apart
Laid waste to my being
So I shut down
I shut out all who offered any kind of affection or love
I shut out all who were interested in who I am and how I live
I thought I was protecting myself, keeping my heart intact
But all I ended up doing is barricade myself in
Impenetrable armour that even I could not break out of
A room so cold and empty
So convinced and sure of my ways was I that I did not take heed to what the rest had to say
And slowly but surely, I lost my way
With my ears having lost their purpose and my eyelids blocking out all the good in the world
I moved on alone
I walked far and fast
But in the wrong direction
See, at this point… Everyone had given up on me.
No one gave their opinion, no one corrected me, no one cared.
This is not what I wanted though
I did not want to be left entirely alone
I just wanted a friend
One that’s trustworthy, loyal and supportive
Numerous attempts at getting such having proved futile, I gave up
I shouldn’t, I now realize that
But is it too late??
Have I become so numb to emotions, so dumb in relations that I cannot be a friend leave alone find one?
They tell me that all you have to do is let someone in
It’s that simple… Just open up
Open up what exactly?
My mouth; to tell you my secrets, my fears and my aspirations?
My heart; to show you my scars and the scared little me in the corner?
My mind… to give my opinions about the different things I observe and how I’d prefer they were?
What part of that is simple?
Are you willing to listen?
Every time I close my eyes to pray, I ask for one important thing
Teach me, teach me Lord to surrender it all to you and to give in to your will.
And now I add one more thing
Teach me to open up.
The journey of a lone ranger is lonely and disheartening. I no longer wish to walk this path
Will you walk with me, despite my shortcomings
Will you push me on, even when I tell you to stop
Will you correct me, when I think I know it all?

Will you hold my hand, and never let go??
Will you show me that I can trust you?
Will you be a friend? My friend…

Posted in Life, Motivation, Uncategorized

On a mission

I came to a realisation…

My life is boring. And I think I know why…
No, it’s not because I’m single (although at one point I was convinced that this was the reason). For the past 10 weeks or so, we have been doing this book ‘Mizizi’ in our youth church. For it to be successful, we had to be divided into smaller groups and I ended up in a wonderful group which we later named ‘The’ GANG’ 😎😎. So what happened is that every Sunday after the service we would meet to discuss about the week’s reading. We always started with how our week was. I would listen to people and think, “wow, that’s great!”. But then it came to me and all I had to say was, “My week was fine, nothing much happened”. And that really bugged me…
All through life, I have always had a thing for adventure. I like to travel, hike, walk in thick forests, climb ropes to challenge myself, row a boat yet I don’t know how to swim (I’m guessing this is more reckless than adventurous but nonetheless I enjoy it). In short, I love adrenaline charged activities. I also enjoy art in its every form. Be it music, drawings, poetry name it all. And finally I like a bit of sports. So with interests in all these things one would not expect me to get bored, at least I didn’t expect it.
But I had nothing that made my heart cartwheel in its place. What was I passionate about? What would I do in my sleep? What is it that I’d do early in the morning without being grumpy? It is questions like these that led me to the ultimate query… What is my purpose in life??
Someone once said that a man has two important days in his life. The first, is the day he was born. If you don’t celebrate your birthday, I suggest that you start doing so. The second, is the day they find out why. Now, I already know when I was born but I do not know why yet. The funny bit is, everything that’s happening around me right now is about my purpose. Have you ever felt like all forces of the earth are conspiring to send you a message, but you don’t have good reception? That’s me right now.

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But I did get a little information from the message. After a lot of effort I decoded a few kilobytes as follows:-
1. What are you passionate about?
What is it that you love doing?? What sets your heart on fire? It probably is something that God meant for you to be doing in and with your life. He wouldn’t give you a purpose that would bore you or make your life devoid of joy.
2. What bothers you deeply?
Do ever look at a situation and think it should not be that way or you feel like it needs fixing? Chances are that you already have the solution. If something grieves your heart then it’s your job to fix it. Don’t stand aside and think that someone else will do it. It may not be disturbing them as much as it’s disturbing you. Your purpose may lay there.
3. What are you good at?
We all have talents. Some of us discovered them early in life, while the rest of us are late bloomers 🙄. So find out what it is you’re good at. If you don’t know yet, try asking the people around you. I believe that God likes His work done well. So He must have equipped you with the skills to carry out your mission. I mean how would He send you to battle without full body armour, a sword and a shield? Not that we’re going to war or something, well you get the point.

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When asking yourself these questions, it’s important to go back to the creator and ask for instructions. A wise someone once said that ‘When purpose is unknown, abuse is inevitable’. I found that the best way to discover your purpose is to go back to the manufacturer and get a user manual. Let God be the one to reveal your purpose to you. Besides, He knew you before you were born😊😁…
I am on a journey. I’m yet to answer the above 3 questions. But I thought I should share this. Some may already know their purpose, others might be pursuing it but they didn’t know it and some may be at the starting point like me.
Find out your purpose and pursue it.

That was just an introduction. A friend of mine, after hearing about my struggles shared these links with me:-

Pursuing Purpose- Part 1 // Bayless Conley
Pursuing Purpose- Part 2 // Bayless Conley
I hope you find them enlightening.

Posted in Life, Motivation, Social, Uncategorized

Suicide, a cry for help

For those who may not know, I write short musings and thoughts on Instagram @alfie_ciru_the_blog every day. So what I do is just before I sleep, I note something down then post it in the morning. So yesterday night, when I was about to sleep, I had the idea to write something short. Few words that carry a lot of weight. The last time I had this thought, here’s what I came up with:-

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This time round, the words that came to mind first were “Love me”. But before I noted them down, a memory knocked on my brain like ‘hello, do I mean nothing to you??’. So naturally, I had to pause and rethink the whole thing. Due to the endless election break, I watched the entire Harry Potter series. So imagine me putting my face in a pensieve… In case you are not a die-hard Harry Potter fan, this is the silver basin/bowl that Dumbledore had in his cabinet in which he used to review his memories (I sound geeky, I know😊). Now, in my memory, I was walking with someone in the arboretum garden. I do love and enjoy long walks of nature. And on this particular day, we found a few guys staring up into the trees and talking with this concerned look on their faces. One of them was a police man. Of course my first instinct was to stop in my tracks. I prefer to stay away from the ‘boys in blue’ as we used to call them in our primary school English compositions.  But the person I was with was a curious one and wanted to know what was going on. Luckily, before we got closer, one of the guys walked towards us on his way out of the park. We stopped him and asked what was happening. I had a few expectations of what his answer would be. They had found drugs stashed somewhere in the bushes or someone was running away from the police and ended up hiding in the trees.

But the answer he gave was not one I had anticipated.

They had found a man, well dressed in a suit and nice shoes, hanging on a branch.😯😯. Even right now, after writing that sentence, I just froze like I did back then. I mean what do you say after hearing such news?

The society shuns the idea of suicide so much that the person doesn’t even get a proper burial, or even mourning. The family feels disgraced and disappointed that they almost disown the person. But do we ever pause to think about the real issue here?

I mean can you imagine just how sad a person has to be and how lonely they must feel to think of just ending their lives? For example, that man in the park. From the way he was dressed, what huge problems could he have had? He must have had a good job to afford to be  smart. But it’s not always about material things, now is it?? After that day at arboretum, there was a lot of talk in the news and talk shows about suicide. I don’t know if it was just a coincidence or I needed to hear it.

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Do you feel like this? You are still worthy of it all… Hold on

For someone to get to a point of really going through with suicide, they must have mulled over the idea over and over again. They must have reached out for help either directly or indirectly. What am I trying to say here? Be observant of the people around you. When you hear them say “I’m tired of life…” Or “I could just kill myself…”, really ask them what is going on. At times people take their own lives because they feel that no one would miss them or that it wouldn’t make a difference whether they are alive or not. But they don’t say the grave is the richest place for no reason. Each and every one of us has a purpose and were created for a reason. Being there for our loved ones and making sure they know it is the first step. In this day and age, parents know close to nothing about their children. I have even heard of a situation where a mother drove her eldest daughter to suicide out of neglect and indifference. A child takes his/her life and the parents are left in shock. They didn’t see it coming. Why? Because they have no relationship with their kids. Apart from “have you eaten? How are you performing in school? What time will you be getting home?”, there is no personal relationship between the two parties. Which is quite sad if you really think about it.

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You don’t have to give up

I always say my base, my ground zero and where I go back to ‘rejuvenate’ is back home with family. What if one doesn’t have that? What do they do? Whom do they turn to?

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After remembering the incident, here’s what I came up with

Another important thing is, in order to get help, you must be ready to take the risk and ask for it. Trust me there are always people ready and willing to offer it. They may not understand what you are going through, but just by listening they could make all the difference. If you can’t find solace at home or with your friends, try your place of worship or even a guidance counselor. It doesn’t have to be someone you know. For more information on that check out https://www.befrienderskenya.org… they might be of help.

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Most times, this is all it takes. A problem shared is a problem half solved

I think it’s high time we see the situation as it really is. At times it could be a mental illness of some sort and other times it could just be hopelessness. Depression should also be taken seriously. Do you know even children get depression? It takes a whole community to battle this. We should not stereotype people who consider suicide as their way out as being too weak to face the world or strong enough to take the difficult way out.

It all comes back to LOVE. You are loved!!!

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Let no one tell you otherwise!!!

I would love it if I got to hear your thoughts about this through the comments🙂. I may not be a professional, but I like to listen and help where I can.

Thank you for reading ☺