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How it all Begun.

A quiet, shy and conservative girl. That is what I was; and what I still am. Having such a personality, making friends wasn’t easy. And the few that I had, well let’s just say relating to them wasn’t easy. See, all through life, my friends have always been a lively fun-loving group. So mostly I just sat with them and listened. Not that I’m complaining… I love listening. With such a situation, what do you do when you need to talk to someone or get something off your shoulders?

I chose to write. I didn’t really choose, it just came naturally. Being born in a generation where TV watching was a main source of entertainment (much as the parents said television fries our brains), I enjoyed watching TV and wanted to become a screenwriter or a director. Then I discovered novels. I guess these are the only books I read without being pressured or watched. I even got in trouble reading them during class. After these I started reading articles in the newspaper and  literature class was my favorite of all. And that’s how I got into writing. I started with daily journals, tried poetry and short articles.

Most people tell me I over think… which is true. But that is what makes me who I am. I like looking at people and wondering what are they thinking? And how special they are in their own different ways, whether they know it or not..? I source my inspiration from the occurrences in my life, the people around me and the world as a whole. And that is what I intend to bring here. I also do a bit of photography. Therefore I will use some of my work in this blog. Let’s have fun as we walk together in this journey called life.

 

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Looking out into the beautiful world

Photo credits:- Joy Njeri.

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Posted in Uncategorized, Thoughts, Mental health

Dark Reflections

My demons speak to me and I answer.
I don’t understand but I react.
Of late I realised what a terrible person I am
Still I’m not apologetic
I don’t feel terrible about it, though I know I should.
Which makes me feel terrible…
Worse even.
Ironic, I know
My demons call out to me and I reach out.
To that place where it’s just me and them.
Where darkness is my friend and all else is vague
No one knows the fun we have
How we rave on
Till late
My demons comfort me and I draw closer
They understand my evil side like no one else
Tell me it’s all good, I’m doing just fine
Everyone else is just wrong
I’m always right
They’ll always be by my side
To the point that I want no one else around
I don’t need them, I have all that I need.
So much love, joy and peace
No arguments, disagreements or war
.
.
.
But why do I feel such torment??

When I sit to speak to Him, I feel a disconnect like never before
Can’t maintain focus
I remember when I’d beat my chest and my heart would grieve deeply
Right now it’s all a blur
Like it never happened before
I remember when I used to be remorseful
When I cared to do right
When I actually tried
Why do I need to now??
I used to look forward to the days to come
I had activities that filled me with joy
I had so much
.
.
.
But why do I feel so poor?

Posted in Mental health, Uncategorized

Falling in the deep

 

Her eyes sting as she chops the onions. She can’t rub them as it would only make things worse. Her eyes begin to water and the tears cloud her vision. She blinks hard and freely they begin to flow. She tries wiping them off with her shoulder. She had tried putting a potato at the end of the knife as her grandmother had advised her, but it clearly doesn’t work.

She’s done chopping but still her tears won’t stop. “Maybe it’s the onions…”.

See, of late, she’s been watching sappy movies. It goes without saying that she ends up crying… heavily. Especially those sad parts where a kid is crying or the main character dies. But then again, she cries even when it’s a  happy scene. Comedy too calls out to her emotional side and that lump in her throat grows bigger bringing her to tears. I’ve never seen anyone make comedy seem painful.

She went walking in the rain yesterday (she loves the rain!!). When she came back to the house, her eyes were red and she kept snuffling. “Have you been crying?” I asked concerned. “No…! Why would I? Everything is fine. I am so happy. The kids are doing great in school, my business is peaking and I have a husband that loves me so much. What more could I ask for?… I feel a bit cold though, I’ll go take a hot shower.” Just like that she was gone. We didn’t discuss the issue any further.

“It will be a while before the food is ready. Want to catch up on an episode of ‘How I met your Mother?'” She sits next to me and naturally, I put my arm over her shoulder having her head rest on my chest. A few minutes in and we are laughing so hard we could cry. Only that she really starts to cry. I turn to face her but she buries her face in my chest soaking up my shirt. I embrace her trying to comfort her but being so close to my heart, I’m sure she can feel how worried I am. This only serves to make her cry more. Luckily the children are at her parents’ house. I wouldn’t want them seeing their mom in this condition. I start to rock gently, as a mother would lulling her babe to sleep. I stroke her hair in a comforting manner. I may not know what’s troubling her, but I would still like her to remember that I am here for her.

She falls asleep and I carry her to the bed.  Rushing to the kitchen, I turn off the gas. The food is already burnt. I’m guessing that means no supper for us. Even so, my mind is too preoccupied to think about hunger. As quietly as I can, I walk to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. After locking the door behind me, I pick a bottle of pills and shake it gently. It’s almost full.

“Hello Doc. Sorry to disturb you this late… I’d like to book an appointment for tomorrow at 10 a.m. It’s Lorna. She hasn’t been taking her meds. She’s been sad all the time. Even when she tries to hide it, I can see it in her eyes. She cries a lot, sometimes masking it in the rain, through movies or in the shower. Today she just broke down. I’m really scared. I don’t want to lose her as I did last time… I’m afraid she’s falling into depression again…”

Posted in Life, Mental health, Uncategorized

13 reasons why NOT!!

After publishing the article on Suicide, a cry for help, someone wrote me and asked me to write another article on the topic. At the moment I had nothing in mind so I wasn’t able to. Until recently I heard that a parent had the intention to sue Selena Gomez and the production team for ’13 reasons why’ for their child commiting suicide after watching the series.

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I’m sure the parents feel justified enough to sue them. However I’d like to think that when Selena and team came up with the idea of the series, they didn’t count on teenagers taking their own lives after watching it. I think they just wanted to create awareness and show how actions which most people think are normal like bullying and a heartbreak can build up and cause serious damage to a young person to an extent of suicide.
But that’s just my thinking.
In today’s article, I would like to share a positive message.
Here are 13 reasons why NOT to commit suicide:-
It goes without saying that 1, 2, 3 and 4 are;. You are loved!!
Trust me that in this world, there are more people who love you than those who hate you. Maybe they don’t show it enough but they do love you. Learn to look at the bright side. We, human beings, tend to focus too much on the wrong few people do us ignoring the many good things most people do for us. You have your family and friends, some who would move heaven and earth just to make you smile. And if you feel that they are letting you down, remember that God loves you. He may feel distant at times, but every time I need a friend and no one is around, I always feel God’s presence. You just have to seek Him out. Unconditional love!!! Do you know how rare that is?? And it’s all for free. I’ll repeat, YOU ARE LOVED!!!😊😍😍

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5. You are capable: sure you got problems. But be assured that you are equipped to overcome them. You are stronger than you know. Maybe life is just carrying out compression and tension tests on you.
6. You are unique: Ain’t nobody like you in the world. At least while we think that this is the only reality in existence. So you going out too soon is like a brick missing from the brick game. It just makes the game all wrong.
7. You are talented: You may be yet to discover your talent. Or you may already know what you’re good at. Each one of us has a purpose. What if you were to live to be a blessing to someone. Do you realize that committing suicide means denying someone their blessings? Don’t deny the world the opportunity to experience your greatness, because you are full of greatness

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8 & 9. You are not your own: Now I know how this sounds, but here’s what I mean. We Christians believe that Christ died for us, then we were bought. The old died and a new being came. We belong to Him. If someone leases something out to you, it’s not yours. So you have no right to destroy it. If you do not believe that, then you’d better believe that you belong to your country and to your family. There are people who invested and still are investing in you. People have expectations of you. They have dreams of what you could become and the impact you could have in the world.
10. It’s illegal: I don’t know about other countries, but in ours, if you tried to take your own life, I’m not sure if you would be taken to hospital first or get arrested. That is if your mission goes unaccomplished. As I just said you are not your own. I once asked someone why people get arrested and they told me that when the government invests in you by subsidising your education and other things, you sorta owe them. So you should live long enough to serve and repay them. Not sure how true that is😂
11. It’s a lonely way to go: At a point when one is convinced that suicide is the only way out, they must feel alone and unloved. And after you’re gone people avoid talking about you. A stigmatisation of some sort. A taboo. It almost seems as if people would prefer to forget you much as they cannot. People look for someone to blame and when they don’t find one, it destroys them.
12. It’s never that serious: Life is already short, no need to make it shorter. Once in a while it’s good to laugh some things off. Life is never that serious. Enjoy it while it lasts. If things get difficult, tap yourself on the back and say “what a joke…”. Then go ahead and do it right. You’re your own boss. Goodness knows I’ve done this enough times. When I’m stressed about all the deadlines I have to meet, I just sleep. My peace of mind is more important than anything else
13. It’s not the only solution: In fact, it should never be a solution. Yes it shouldn’t!! You could start by talking it out with someone, writing helps too. You could get surprised by how you can convert negative energy into positive energy… Some of the best actors, poets and authors have tormented minds. See how well they use it. These could not be the only solutions. Get out there and find more. 

I believe life is a beautiful thing. To be protected and valued. You matter!! Close to 8B people in the world but you still count. You definitely do.

When things become too difficult, ask for help

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I hope my message is helpful. I intend to research further into mental health in order to write more from fact than from my own thoughts. In case you have any information you would like to share or any topic you would like me to write about, please do write to me.

Posted in Mood, Uncategorized

My Christmas Wish List

Some of my best work
The work I’m most proud of
I wrote when I was in pain
I wrote at my worst
My darkest moments
Times when I just wanted to scream at the world
And have nobody look at me like I’m crazy
When I wanted to punch something or someone
Without feeling the pain
Or fearing that they might beat me black and blue
You know when you are just walking angrily
At times I just want to step on the ground so hard
That it actually complains
I want to lash out at someone who has made me angry
And not be made to feel as if I’m the one who’s done wrong
Or feel like I have been unfair to the person
I’d like to cuss out words that the society deems unfit for the public
Say them as often as I want to and not feel guilty
I’d like to have the right to feel angry
Just be vexed and not have to hide it
Not have to plant a fake smile on my face
Simply because people do not understand that it is okay to be angry
It is okay to feel terrible
And that it is okay to not know what you are feeling
I wish they would understand that not being able to explain doesn’t make one a snob
That it’s not always that someone wants to be listened to or be given advice
Sometimes I just want to sit in the background and observe
Other times I want to indulge and not have to care about who is watching
Mostly I want to just sleep and not think about the deadlines that are waiting to be met
I want to relax
While not fearing that every second that I’m not watchful
Is an opportunity that passes me by
I would love to forget that with every passing day I keep growing older
And soon I will be graduating and it will be required of me to find a job
Or at least a means of income
I am not looking forward to a time when everyone will be asking me
“Why aren’t you getting married?”
Sometimes I want to run away and never get tired
Just leave it all behind
The standards that people uphold me to
The expectations expecting to be met
I want to be fine
But when I’m not, I would appreciate the peace and quiet
That would allow me to wallow in my sadness
The solitude that would allow me to be me
And reduce the temptation to insult people
Because trust me, I have a lot just piling up
Most which society would excommunicate me for
I would want a lot of things
Ice-cream and cake included, when I’m angry
But I’m always either too broke
Or too weak
Too lazy
Too considerate
Too human
Too much of an introvert
There is always something holding me back
Or too many eyes watching
But I guess we don’t always get what we want

 

Posted in Thoughts, Uncategorized

Solo-walking conversation (the voices in my head)

Yes, I mean exactly what the title says. Just as direct as it is. I’m talking about when you’re having a conversation while walking alone. Such are the times when I have the best most sensible conversations in my life. I know for there to be a conversation there has to be more than one person, but in my head it’s never a dull moment. It’s always a party in here. That’s why sometimes I have to write down stuff to in order to get some order. You know how a ball of yarn can get entangled and you have to like find the beginning then follow it all the way to the other end so as to untangle it?? Now that’s writing for me.
I get most of my ideas while walking alone. That’s when I have my thoughts to myself unlike when I’m walking in a group cause then I would have to keep talking to fill in any awkward silences. I’m a person who doesn’t like to be alone but at the same time I like being alone. It all depends on a lot of things. Like how I woke up feeling that day, where I am aaaand… Oh wait it’s just those two😄😄. There are days when I wake up preferring the company of others to my own, which is very rare. This happens when I’m indoors with nowhere to go and no particular movie or cartoon that excites me. By rare I mean those things that happen once in a blue moon. (Let’s just pause and imagine how beautiful a blue moon would be…😊😊… Okay that’s enough).

Then there are days when I want to just go out on my own. Not that I’ll go to a restaurant, order some chicken and sit down on my own. Nu-uh!! That’s depressing. (I do eat alone when I’m in town and in a rush). I’ll just get out of the house and walk. Trust me I can walk far! At times when I’m walking around school or in town people who know me say that I’m always passing them without saying hi. Well here is why. I’m always lost in thought. In a world of my own. At times it’s a dark world but that’s where I face my fears. Most times it’s where I brainstorm ideas and projects I would like to take on, most of which never come to pass, but at least I know I’m not that dumb😎. In my head is where I give speeches in front of a crowd about things I feel people should know. It’s where I have conversations with people I cannot approach directly. It’s the place where I have endless conversations with my crush and he opens up to tell me how he feels first.😂😂 Dreams!!!
The monologues I have in my head are where I play back things that already happened and I think of different scenarios and the different ways which they could have gone. It’s where I learn lessons from past experiences. Where I grieve my losses and comfort myself. Where I pat myself on the back when I’ve done something good.
Hell it’s where everything happens!!!
While I’m walking alone along a road or in the woods, maybe in a beautiful place full of green grass and beautiful flowers.
It’s the time when I discover things about myself. Things I wouldn’t otherwise have found out had I been busy. Things that make me understand how I relate with people and why.

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I don’t always have to be walking, the shower works too. With my eyes closed, I escape to a world where I am the empress, where I am boss, where I am the mailman and the delivery man, where I am both student and teacher, both parent and child. Where I’m a kid and an adult at the same time. It’s in my head that I live my dreams which is a constant motivation. In here is where I build my house and the interior decoration is like non anyone has ever seen before. It’s where I travel to countries I have only seen on TV and do adventurous stuff with friends who fear heights or are just lazy. It’s where I see my future together with my friends when we are working and have families.
As I said before, it’s a 24/7 thought factory in here. And it’s at approximately 97% efficiency when I’m walking alone.
That’s why when something is really troubling my mind, I go walking. That’s when I talk to my Father and He reminds me to keep calm cause He’s in control. And as I see all the creation around me, I really believe and my spirit calms down.
I came up with all this while walking ☺. But I had to sit down to write it. So can someone come up with a gadget that reads my thoughts and writes them down?? Techies anywhere?? (Not me, just because I’m an engineering student don’t mean I’m a techy person)

Posted in Motivation, Personalities and Temperaments, Uncategorized

Screw Perfection!!!

As I was checking out ‘Curiosity’, the app, I came to a realization.

I uninstalled my whatsapp for reasons even I don’t know and I needed to check some important messages. When I got to the Play store, I noticed it was telling me to download apps that I already have. Which didn’t make sense to me but I just kept browsing.
Naturally, I am a curious person. It was no surprise that I scrolled past ‘Curiosity’ then got back to it. I mean that name just screams, “Look at me!!!” Before downloading it, I went through the reviews. Of course no one ever believes the first few. I always consider them as click-bait. I click on ‘all reviews’ and they were encouraging with a few suggestions on things that the developers could work on. Sounded legit, so I installed it. (I never got to downloading WhatsApp in the end).

I know, I know… I sound like I’m advertising 😂. But no, this is the true chronology of events.

I dived right into reading the first article I saw. It was on perfectionism.

Guess what… I’m a perfectionist!! Now, I’m not sure if that is good or not.

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Some symptoms of perfectionism included:-

1. Thinking and acting in extremes
2. Procrastination
3. Difficulty in finishing projects
4. Trouble delegating
5. Putting up walls
6. Fixating on past mistakes

One of the things that really stood out for me is that I often fail to start a project for the fear of not doing it well, perfectly if I may say so.
Mostly applies to my writing. I’ve had times when I wrote a title and left it as a draft which I would later delete because I felt it wouldn’t be good enough or the content would not be interesting to an audience.

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I also have a habit of putting up walls. I do talk to a lot of people but rarely do I foster long-lasting relationships. I lack the drive to make true friends or open up and show any form of vulnerability. I also have a phobia of comforting people. When someone close is in trouble the first thing I do is freeze. I get disoriented and the anxiety confuses me. I just don’t know how to help. This is because I’m afraid that I might make the situation worse or I might not offer what the person needs at the moment. But that’s not to say that I am a terrible person 😊. I give great tight warm hugs!!! At times people just want to be embraced and I guess I do that well enough ☺.

Another thing is, I also fixate on past mistakes. I atone for them time and time again. But getting stuck in the past is not always the best thing as one tends to repeat the same things. That’s what guilt does to a person. Eats you up from within and in the end, you drown yourself while trying to free yourself. My fear of relationships also stems from some past mistakes. More about this to be found in All About Me

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I do have problems delegating tasks. I mean a wise person once said, “The only way to make sure something is done perfectly, is to do it yourself”. I’ve had times when delegating was a must. Still whenever someone failed to do their tasks, instead of insisting on making sure they do it, I just did it myself. I always find it easier that way.

But due to piling too many responsibilities on myself, I either ended up not finishing the project or just procrastinating it. I’m not sure if I think and act in extremes. I’ll have to meditate on that one.

Is it just me or is there a connection to each and every symptom?? It’s like one leads to another and another and another…

At the end of the article, there was a suggestion on how to deal with perfectionism. Did I mention that this has been related to mental illness?? 😕😰… Anyway, the author suggests that instead of obsessing on all the things that could go wrong, we should just think of how we could do things right. Things mostly tend to work out, right?

I mean, just do it!!✅✔😎

Kinda like how I’m just writing this not knowing if it’s useful information or not. If I had concentrated on making sure I had the perfect article to share with you guys, I would never have started this blog. But now, I’ve had it for over a year and still counting.

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So, I would really appreciate it if you left a comment by telling me what you think. Are you also a perfectionist?? If so, which symptoms affect you most? Also share with me any information you may have on perfectionism. I could have misdiagnosed myself 😂😂

Posted in Life, Life History, Uncategorized

My Heritage My Splendor

12th December 1964.

The day we became a republic. Our Jamhuri day. A day up till now we celebrate. (I wrote this title at a time when I felt so proud of Kenya. It’s sad that at this time I do not write on a positive note)

I’m afraid this day has become nothing but a day to get off work. We have forgotten how it all came to being. How people fought and died so that we can get our freedom, so that we can run our own country. In a previous article, I asked “Are we still colonized?“. I urged us to wake up and stand for our country. But what is happening now?

I weep for my country. The news now a source of stress and depression. Our leaders use our problems against us without our knowledge. Ignorance blinds us to reason. Demonstrations day after day with people getting hurt, some dying even. Businesses running on constant losses with our economy taking a nose dive? Children in all their innocence now know what tribalism is. Only that they do  not know that it is a disease that eats us from the inside, breaking down our systems and killing us slowly.

I grieve for Kenya. Hopelessness now the order of the day. The nurses’ strike has devastated the citizens with some seeking medical attention in neighboring countries. Not that they can afford a flight ticket, most of them have never even been out of their county. But what else can they do when their own country fails them? The youth have been promised employment opportunities regime after regime, still nothing. So I understand the desperation and the need for change. Being a young person I can relate to the struggles of working hard without knowing whether after obtaining your degree, you will get a job.

I wail for my homeland. I aspire to make a difference but I only have one vote. As citizens we queue for long hours to choose our leaders. We do not go to steal votes. Why can’t our leaders take our decision as is?? Non of them is innocent. They are all guilty of cheating and stealing from us. It gets to a point we choose between the evil we know and the evil we don’t know. Still after every election we hear about rigging and there is always a party that feels disadvantaged. What I think, and anyone is free to disagree, they all steal… only that one does it better than the other.

I pray for my motherland. That wisdom shall rain on each and every one of us. One politician said that we should not trust politicians. But we all know that politics definitely affects our growth as a country. So I pray that we may be wise and make decisions without thinking of our tribe or following a person blindly. I pray that we may only think of what is best for us as a country in unison. That the youth may get together and find better ways to solve our problems instead of burying our own. That the police may give security to peaceful protesters while businesses run smoothly. That the courts may make the right decisions considering today and the days to come. I pray that we will get servant leaders that put the country first.

This is our country and we will live here longer than the years a leader can be in power. People already shed blood and lost lives fighting for freedom, democracy and for Kenyan citizens. So why should we do it all over again? Most especially, why should we fight among ourselves??

 

Posted in photography, Travel, Uncategorized

Roadtrip !!!

This Tuesday we, at the University of Nairobi, got a forced holiday. It was quite sad but I decided to look on the bright side. We went to visit my grandpa and I sat at the front seat. Normally, I prefer the back seat so as to sleep all the way (I get car sick).

So this was a new experience🙄. I found out that all the while, this is what I missed out on…

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This was at around 5
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The evening came…

 

 

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The sun was setting…
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And the darkness came with beautiful hues…

I took all these while the car was moving, so pardon any blurriness that you may see. I’m still learning ☺

Share your thoughts with me. It is always useful and encouraging to hear from you 😊

Posted in photography, Uncategorized

Beauty of the Sunset_2

I like to seek beauty in every single thing or person around me. With the world so full of negativity, I refuse to drown in it all.

One of the things that are outrightly beautiful is the sunset. It just brightens my evenings and erases everything that might be troubling me. So I thought I’d share my bliss with you 😁

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This was the first one I took… On ‘auto’ mode

 

I also realized that I hadn’t exploited the full potential of my phone’s camera. So I started working on ‘pro’ mode. And here is what came up…

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My favourite…

That’s all I have for today. Do tell me what you think about my ‘photography’ skills and how I could do better. I’m open to all and any suggestions 😊