Covid… Consumption… ??

Hello dear readers!! How are you? Still keeping safe I hope.

Have y’all ever heard of consumption? The disease, that is. Well, I first heard of it on Vampire Diaries. When they were explaining how mama Salvatore died. Naturally, I didn’t understand what kind of illness it was. So I strolled over to my friend google and typed “What in the heckeroni is Consumption??” #MissDarcei_reference hehe. And what I understood (correct me if I’m wrong), is that consumption is what they called Tuberculosis back in the day.

Now, from what I gathered, people died in droves back then. Kinda like how it is now with Covid. It’s new, we don’t understand it and it is weighing us down. But you know what, as do all things, this too shall pass. I feel like back then they were as scared as some of us are right now. They kept people in isolation, to die. At least with Covid, there is a chance of beating it. But see how far we have come. In Kenya, there’s a slogan that states TB ina TiBa. (Let google be your friend if you’re curious what the actual words mean). The news have been dishing out rumours of a vaccine. It’s apparent that we will have to live with the virus for a while, especially we of the African countries (pardon my direct translation). But let’s live with the hope of a COVID-free time.

It’s been proven that challenges have been there in the past. Someone, somewhere, came up with a solution and the same will happen this time round. In the mean time, don’t forget to appreciate the little things. I know some of us have faced major setbacks in this period and it doesn’t seem like it’s going to get better. Trust that it will.

Now I know you’re asking yourself how the above image fits in all this talk about TB and Covid. (If you weren’t, I bet you are now…). Take it to be whatever you need it to be. Encouragement that you can do it, reminder to dance and enjoy life, simple but beautiful art hehe. Whatever floats your boat, or keeps you afloat.

Till next time…

Fear’s point of view

What do I fear??

One night I got into bed as usual. I’m a messy being so once in a while, I eat in my bed. (Don’t judge me… I know you do that too). I also rarely make my bed because I read somewhere that making the bed every day encourages dust mites. Hehe yes I justify my laziness😼😼. Anyway, when I put my legs inside the covers, I felt something in there. Like any normal person would, I went fishing!

Feeling with my feet to track the thingy, I bent all the way into the middle of my very heavy covers. I don’t know if you can get the picture… I found it!! It felt like a dry peel. Probably orange or the centre of an apple. So I started to come up. Mostly because it was getting hard to breathe in my position… being under the covers and bent at the tummy.

But when I got to the opening, it was sealed. It felt like someone was holding down the duvet such that the only thing I could do was wiggle underneath the covers trying to adjust my body. At this point I was scared!! My breath came in short gasps and I literally felt my heart slowing down. The worst bit is that the air I was taking in wasn’t fresh. It was heavy and warm… It’s like I was taking in Carbon IV Oxide. I hated it! But it wouldn’t stop. I was recycling my own exhaust and I was suffocating on it. My lungs would constrict and my heart beat became even slower and slower… and slower. “OMG!! I’m gonna die in bed and no one is going to know that I was murdered…” was all I had in mind.

I couldn’t stop my tears from flowing. My breathing got faster yet I choked on the unclean air. I struggled to get loose. Pulling the sheets from the side but they were tucked in too tight. I reached out for the hands that were holding the covers down but I couldn’t feel anything. Damn it!! Whoever it was, the person trying to kill me… they were doing a great job.

“Why would anyone try to kill me? I don’t even have enemies… Why not just send a sniper to take me out?!!? Suffocating me! That’s just low.”

I didn’t mind dying, but I didn’t want to go out this way. You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes when you’re about to die? Mine didn’t. I had nothing but regret. Of the things I hadn’t done, the boy I didn’t kiss, that meal I wouldn’t get to eat (gaucho I’m coming for you!!!), that movie I didn’t get to watch, the cliff I hadn’t jumped off or the places I didn’t get to travel to. It wasn’t my time yet!

With that in mind, I composed myself. Took one deep deoxygenated breath and yanked real hard on the covers. While doing so, I released all the air from my lungs to increase my power. Thinking about it now… I don’t think that made any sense. But my mild brain hypoxia told me it did at the time. To my surprise, I was free!!

The breath I took at that moment,,, I can’t even put to words the feeling that overcame me. I even forgot that someone was trying to kill me. (Dun dun dun!!!!) When the oxygen had gotten back to my brain, it registered. I was in danger. I quickly looked around but there was no one in the room. Just my confused self tryna squeeze into a corner while staring into the dark. I thought of turning on the lights but that would mean getting out of bed. And I didn’t want to do that. So I swept the entire room from the corner like a surveillance camera and when I felt convinced that there was no presence, at least not human, I went back to bed. But I made sure not to cover my face or arms. Yes… It was a very cold night. But it didn’t matter. I was alive!! And I wouldn’t be dying by suffocation.

Later on I realized that I was the person trying to smother me. See, when I got under the covers… I tucked myself in such that I was lying on the end of the covers. But my fear convinced me that it was someone else and my over-imaginative brain just took over. I laugh over it now but let’s just say blankets were a real enemy a few weeks after that incident.

So apparently I fear suffocating, literally and metaphorically. I don’t want to die knowing that I didn’t live to my fullest. I want a complete life full of happiness, love and a life of service. To make an impact and a change. A purpose. The full circle, you know. And what I faced that day… That! was a defining moment for me.🙂

Do you have any fears that hold you back or motivate you towards something?? Do share them in the comments… Let’s encourage one another!! Yay!😄

Screw Perfection!!!

As I was checking out ‘Curiosity’, the app, I came to a realization.

I uninstalled my whatsapp for reasons even I don’t know and I needed to check some important messages. When I got to the Play store, I noticed it was telling me to download apps that I already have. Which didn’t make sense to me but I just kept browsing.
Naturally, I am a curious person. It was no surprise that I scrolled past ‘Curiosity’ then got back to it. I mean that name just screams, “Look at me!!!” Before downloading it, I went through the reviews. Of course no one ever believes the first few. I always consider them as click-bait. I click on ‘all reviews’ and they were encouraging with a few suggestions on things that the developers could work on. Sounded legit, so I installed it. (I never got to downloading WhatsApp in the end).

I know, I know… I sound like I’m advertising 😂. But no, this is the true chronology of events.

I dived right into reading the first article I saw. It was on perfectionism.

Guess what… I’m a perfectionist!! Now, I’m not sure if that is good or not.

Some symptoms of perfectionism included:-

1. Thinking and acting in extremes
2. Procrastination
3. Difficulty in finishing projects
4. Trouble delegating
5. Putting up walls
6. Fixating on past mistakes

One of the things that really stood out for me is that I often fail to start a project for the fear of not doing it well, perfectly if I may say so.
Mostly applies to my writing. I’ve had times when I wrote a title and left it as a draft which I would later delete because I felt it wouldn’t be good enough or the content would not be interesting to an audience.

I also have a habit of putting up walls. I do talk to a lot of people but rarely do I foster long-lasting relationships. I lack the drive to make true friends or open up and show any form of vulnerability. I also have a phobia of comforting people. When someone close is in trouble the first thing I do is freeze. I get disoriented and the anxiety confuses me. I just don’t know how to help. This is because I’m afraid that I might make the situation worse or I might not offer what the person needs at the moment. But that’s not to say that I am a terrible person 😊. I give great tight warm hugs!!! At times people just want to be embraced and I guess I do that well enough ☺.

Another thing is, I also fixate on past mistakes. I atone for them time and time again. But getting stuck in the past is not always the best thing as one tends to repeat the same things. That’s what guilt does to a person. Eats you up from within and in the end, you drown yourself while trying to free yourself. My fear of relationships also stems from some past mistakes. More about this to be found in All About Me

I do have problems delegating tasks. I mean a wise person once said, “The only way to make sure something is done perfectly, is to do it yourself”. I’ve had times when delegating was a must. Still whenever someone failed to do their tasks, instead of insisting on making sure they do it, I just did it myself. I always find it easier that way.

But due to piling too many responsibilities on myself, I either ended up not finishing the project or just procrastinating it. I’m not sure if I think and act in extremes. I’ll have to meditate on that one.

Is it just me or is there a connection to each and every symptom?? It’s like one leads to another and another and another…

At the end of the article, there was a suggestion on how to deal with perfectionism. Did I mention that this has been related to mental illness?? 😕😰… Anyway, the author suggests that instead of obsessing on all the things that could go wrong, we should just think of how we could do things right. Things mostly tend to work out, right?

I mean, just do it!!✅✔😎

Kinda like how I’m just writing this not knowing if it’s useful information or not. If I had concentrated on making sure I had the perfect article to share with you guys, I would never have started this blog. But now, I’ve had it for over a year and still counting.

   

 

So, I would really appreciate it if you left a comment by telling me what you think. Are you also a perfectionist?? If so, which symptoms affect you most? Also share with me any information you may have on perfectionism. I could have misdiagnosed myself 😂😂

On a mission

I came to a realisation…

My life is boring. And I think I know why…
No, it’s not because I’m single (although at one point I was convinced that this was the reason). For the past 10 weeks or so, we have been doing this book ‘Mizizi’ in our youth church. For it to be successful, we had to be divided into smaller groups and I ended up in a wonderful group which we later named ‘The’ GANG’ 😎😎. So what happened is that every Sunday after the service we would meet to discuss about the week’s reading. We always started with how our week was. I would listen to people and think, “wow, that’s great!”. But then it came to me and all I had to say was, “My week was fine, nothing much happened”. And that really bugged me…
All through life, I have always had a thing for adventure. I like to travel, hike, walk in thick forests, climb ropes to challenge myself, row a boat yet I don’t know how to swim (I’m guessing this is more reckless than adventurous but nonetheless I enjoy it). In short, I love adrenaline charged activities. I also enjoy art in its every form. Be it music, drawings, poetry name it all. And finally I like a bit of sports. So with interests in all these things one would not expect me to get bored, at least I didn’t expect it.
But I had nothing that made my heart cartwheel in its place. What was I passionate about? What would I do in my sleep? What is it that I’d do early in the morning without being grumpy? It is questions like these that led me to the ultimate query… What is my purpose in life??
Someone once said that a man has two important days in his life. The first, is the day he was born. If you don’t celebrate your birthday, I suggest that you start doing so. The second, is the day they find out why. Now, I already know when I was born but I do not know why yet. The funny bit is, everything that’s happening around me right now is about my purpose. Have you ever felt like all forces of the earth are conspiring to send you a message, but you don’t have good reception? That’s me right now.

But I did get a little information from the message. After a lot of effort I decoded a few kilobytes as follows:-
1. What are you passionate about?
What is it that you love doing?? What sets your heart on fire? It probably is something that God meant for you to be doing in and with your life. He wouldn’t give you a purpose that would bore you or make your life devoid of joy.
2. What bothers you deeply?
Do ever look at a situation and think it should not be that way or you feel like it needs fixing? Chances are that you already have the solution. If something grieves your heart then it’s your job to fix it. Don’t stand aside and think that someone else will do it. It may not be disturbing them as much as it’s disturbing you. Your purpose may lay there.
3. What are you good at?
We all have talents. Some of us discovered them early in life, while the rest of us are late bloomers 🙄. So find out what it is you’re good at. If you don’t know yet, try asking the people around you. I believe that God likes His work done well. So He must have equipped you with the skills to carry out your mission. I mean how would He send you to battle without full body armour, a sword and a shield? Not that we’re going to war or something, well you get the point.

When asking yourself these questions, it’s important to go back to the creator and ask for instructions. A wise someone once said that ‘When purpose is unknown, abuse is inevitable’. I found that the best way to discover your purpose is to go back to the manufacturer and get a user manual. Let God be the one to reveal your purpose to you. Besides, He knew you before you were born😊😁…
I am on a journey. I’m yet to answer the above 3 questions. But I thought I should share this. Some may already know their purpose, others might be pursuing it but they didn’t know it and some may be at the starting point like me.
Find out your purpose and pursue it.

That was just an introduction. A friend of mine, after hearing about my struggles shared these links with me:-

Pursuing Purpose- Part 1 // Bayless Conley
Pursuing Purpose- Part 2 // Bayless Conley
I hope you find them enlightening.

Suicide, a cry for help

For those who may not know, I write short musings and thoughts on Instagram @alfie_ciru_the_blog every day. So what I do is just before I sleep, I note something down then post it in the morning. So yesterday night, when I was about to sleep, I had the idea to write something short. Few words that carry a lot of weight. The last time I had this thought, here’s what I came up with:-

This time round, the words that came to mind first were “Love me”. But before I noted them down, a memory knocked on my brain like ‘hello, do I mean nothing to you??’. So naturally, I had to pause and rethink the whole thing. Due to the endless election break, I watched the entire Harry Potter series. So imagine me putting my face in a pensieve… In case you are not a die-hard Harry Potter fan, this is the silver basin/bowl that Dumbledore had in his cabinet in which he used to review his memories (I sound geeky, I know😊). Now, in my memory, I was walking with someone in the arboretum garden. I do love and enjoy long walks of nature. And on this particular day, we found a few guys staring up into the trees and talking with this concerned look on their faces. One of them was a police man. Of course my first instinct was to stop in my tracks. I prefer to stay away from the ‘boys in blue’ as we used to call them in our primary school English compositions.  But the person I was with was a curious one and wanted to know what was going on. Luckily, before we got closer, one of the guys walked towards us on his way out of the park. We stopped him and asked what was happening. I had a few expectations of what his answer would be. They had found drugs stashed somewhere in the bushes or someone was running away from the police and ended up hiding in the trees.

But the answer he gave was not one I had anticipated.

They had found a man, well dressed in a suit and nice shoes, hanging on a branch.😯😯. Even right now, after writing that sentence, I just froze like I did back then. I mean what do you say after hearing such news?

The society shuns the idea of suicide so much that the person doesn’t even get a proper burial, or even mourning. The family feels disgraced and disappointed that they almost disown the person. But do we ever pause to think about the real issue here?

I mean can you imagine just how sad a person has to be and how lonely they must feel to think of just ending their lives? For example, that man in the park. From the way he was dressed, what huge problems could he have had? He must have had a good job to afford to be  smart. But it’s not always about material things, now is it?? After that day at arboretum, there was a lot of talk in the news and talk shows about suicide. I don’t know if it was just a coincidence or I needed to hear it.

Do you feel like this? You are still worthy of it all… Hold on

For someone to get to a point of really going through with suicide, they must have mulled over the idea over and over again. They must have reached out for help either directly or indirectly. What am I trying to say here? Be observant of the people around you. When you hear them say “I’m tired of life…” Or “I could just kill myself…”, really ask them what is going on. At times people take their own lives because they feel that no one would miss them or that it wouldn’t make a difference whether they are alive or not. But they don’t say the grave is the richest place for no reason. Each and every one of us has a purpose and were created for a reason. Being there for our loved ones and making sure they know it is the first step. In this day and age, parents know close to nothing about their children. I have even heard of a situation where a mother drove her eldest daughter to suicide out of neglect and indifference. A child takes his/her life and the parents are left in shock. They didn’t see it coming. Why? Because they have no relationship with their kids. Apart from “have you eaten? How are you performing in school? What time will you be getting home?”, there is no personal relationship between the two parties. Which is quite sad if you really think about it.

You don’t have to give up

I always say my base, my ground zero and where I go back to ‘rejuvenate’ is back home with family. What if one doesn’t have that? What do they do? Whom do they turn to?

After remembering the incident, here’s what I came up with

Another important thing is, in order to get help, you must be ready to take the risk and ask for it. Trust me there are always people ready and willing to offer it. They may not understand what you are going through, but just by listening they could make all the difference. If you can’t find solace at home or with your friends, try your place of worship or even a guidance counselor. It doesn’t have to be someone you know. For more information on that check out https://www.befrienderskenya.org… they might be of help.

Most times, this is all it takes. A problem shared is a problem half solved

I think it’s high time we see the situation as it really is. At times it could be a mental illness of some sort and other times it could just be hopelessness. Depression should also be taken seriously. Do you know even children get depression? It takes a whole community to battle this. We should not stereotype people who consider suicide as their way out as being too weak to face the world or strong enough to take the difficult way out.

It all comes back to LOVE. You are loved!!!

Let no one tell you otherwise!!!

I would love it if I got to hear your thoughts about this through the comments🙂. I may not be a professional, but I like to listen and help where I can.

Thank you for reading ☺

Hazard to Myself

It stings so bad. I look for a way to let it out but every time I try, it just gets worse. How else can I do it? Shall I hit something? I don’t think I’m that strong. Or maybe I should try breaking something fragile… but then if it is fragile, it must have cost me something. I don’t think I would like to make things worse for myself as I try to fix them. I see people try to hurt themselves. Does it really work? Even with all my flaws, I still love myself too much. And that is probably why I can’t bear to feel the hurt. Someone like me doesn’t deserve it at all.