Do you have times or moments when you just wanna tap yourself on the back?? I do.
I remember sometime last year I was at a bad place. Nothing serious or anything but I really felt a weight that held me down like an anchor. Only I wasn’t in need of it. Yes I did need an anchor, everybody does. Something that keeps you grounded, something that reminds you who you are, something good and not a burden like I had.
Identity is important. I did have an identity, or so I thought. I later realised that I had let other people define me. Between 2015 and 2016 I lost two very important people to me (no, they’re not dead, in fact they are alive and well… How do I know that? I see them almost everyday). Over this period, I preferred to sit by myself and mull over the occurrences that led to us falling apart. I blamed them for some time, then I blamed me and did it all over and over until my mind got tired. I remember one time I just lay on the floor, it was cold by the way, because I felt like my problems were getting earthed. The cold floor brought a cooling effect to my body and mind. And for a long 30 minutes, I just lay there. I may not be an overly-social person, but I had lost they energy to interact with people. Why would I when I couldn’t even prevent myself from hurting them?
I got to a point where I questioned my goodness. You know when you’re in a relationship and everything is going so good that you just want to mess it up?? Hehe, that’s me. It didn’t matter what the other person thought or felt. I’m guessing losing the people closest to me was like a wake up call.
But that was early 2016. Fast forward to 2017, I’m feeling much better 🤗. I’m having healthy relationships with my friends, I don’t have as many but they’re good ones, with my family, we’ve always been close😍, and most importantly with myself. I don’t let other people define me and that I can be fine being alone, not lonely but alone. I used to fear being just me, so I clung on to people who didn’t really get me. And when they were no longer there, I crumbled. In order to stifle the loud condemning voices in my head, I sought company. I never took time to deal with me and my issues, I just preferred to ignore them.
But now, I feel like I can rule the world!!💪 I do fall back into old habits once in a while but the improvement is massive. I exercise regularly, I have gained healthy weight 😄 ( this was a struggle), I give myself a lot of me time, I go for things that I want and could better my future and my first goal is to make me happy, the rest can sort themselves.
I know who my master is. Right now, I’m trying to find my mission, my purpose. I’m making sure I grow as a person before inviting anyone else to share this rollercoaster of a life with me. I am making my future brighter for my sake and the sake of my future generations. I have always wanted to make a difference in the world, doesn’t matter if I only manage to touch one person’s world. Above all, my aspiration in life is to be happy (stolen from Beyonce 😂)