Posted in Mental health, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Dark Reflections

My demons speak to me and I answer.
I don’t understand but I react.
Of late I realised what a terrible person I am
Still I’m not apologetic
I don’t feel terrible about it, though I know I should.
Which makes me feel terrible…
Worse even.
Ironic, I know
My demons call out to me and I reach out.
To that place where it’s just me and them.
Where darkness is my friend and all else is vague
No one knows the fun we have
How we rave on
Till late
My demons comfort me and I draw closer
They understand my evil side like no one else
Tell me it’s all good, I’m doing just fine
Everyone else is just wrong
I’m always right
They’ll always be by my side
To the point that I want no one else around
I don’t need them, I have all that I need.
So much love, joy and peace
No arguments, disagreements or war
But why do I feel such torment??

When I sit to speak to Him, I feel a disconnect like never before
Can’t maintain focus
I remember when I’d beat my chest and my heart would grieve deeply
Right now it’s all a blur
Like it never happened before
I remember when I used to be remorseful
When I cared to do right
When I actually tried
Why do I need to now??
I used to look forward to the days to come
I had activities that filled me with joy
I had so much
But why do I feel so poor?

Posted in Thoughts, Uncategorized

Solo-walking conversation (the voices in my head)

Yes, I mean exactly what the title says. Just as direct as it is. I’m talking about when you’re having a conversation while walking alone. Such are the times when I have the best most sensible conversations in my life. I know for there to be a conversation there has to be more than one person, but in my head it’s never a dull moment. It’s always a party in here. That’s why sometimes I have to write down stuff to in order to get some order. You know how a ball of yarn can get entangled and you have to like find the beginning then follow it all the way to the other end so as to untangle it?? Now that’s writing for me.
I get most of my ideas while walking alone. That’s when I have my thoughts to myself unlike when I’m walking in a group cause then I would have to keep talking to fill in any awkward silences. I’m a person who doesn’t like to be alone but at the same time I like being alone. It all depends on a lot of things. Like how I woke up feeling that day, where I am aaaand… Oh wait it’s just those two😄😄. There are days when I wake up preferring the company of others to my own, which is very rare. This happens when I’m indoors with nowhere to go and no particular movie or cartoon that excites me. By rare I mean those things that happen once in a blue moon. (Let’s just pause and imagine how beautiful a blue moon would be…😊😊… Okay that’s enough).

Then there are days when I want to just go out on my own. Not that I’ll go to a restaurant, order some chicken and sit down on my own. Nu-uh!! That’s depressing. (I do eat alone when I’m in town and in a rush). I’ll just get out of the house and walk. Trust me I can walk far! At times when I’m walking around school or in town people who know me say that I’m always passing them without saying hi. Well here is why. I’m always lost in thought. In a world of my own. At times it’s a dark world but that’s where I face my fears. Most times it’s where I brainstorm ideas and projects I would like to take on, most of which never come to pass, but at least I know I’m not that dumb😎. In my head is where I give speeches in front of a crowd about things I feel people should know. It’s where I have conversations with people I cannot approach directly. It’s the place where I have endless conversations with my crush and he opens up to tell me how he feels first.😂😂 Dreams!!!
The monologues I have in my head are where I play back things that already happened and I think of different scenarios and the different ways which they could have gone. It’s where I learn lessons from past experiences. Where I grieve my losses and comfort myself. Where I pat myself on the back when I’ve done something good.
Hell it’s where everything happens!!!
While I’m walking alone along a road or in the woods, maybe in a beautiful place full of green grass and beautiful flowers.
It’s the time when I discover things about myself. Things I wouldn’t otherwise have found out had I been busy. Things that make me understand how I relate with people and why.

I don’t always have to be walking, the shower works too. With my eyes closed, I escape to a world where I am the empress, where I am boss, where I am the mailman and the delivery man, where I am both student and teacher, both parent and child. Where I’m a kid and an adult at the same time. It’s in my head that I live my dreams which is a constant motivation. In here is where I build my house and the interior decoration is like non anyone has ever seen before. It’s where I travel to countries I have only seen on TV and do adventurous stuff with friends who fear heights or are just lazy. It’s where I see my future together with my friends when we are working and have families.
As I said before, it’s a 24/7 thought factory in here. And it’s at approximately 97% efficiency when I’m walking alone.
That’s why when something is really troubling my mind, I go walking. That’s when I talk to my Father and He reminds me to keep calm cause He’s in control. And as I see all the creation around me, I really believe and my spirit calms down.
I came up with all this while walking ☺. But I had to sit down to write it. So can someone come up with a gadget that reads my thoughts and writes them down?? Techies anywhere?? (Not me, just because I’m an engineering student don’t mean I’m a techy person)

Posted in Life, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Wake Up Kenya!!

3rd world?? What does that even mean? 🤔Are the 1st and 2nd world countries better than us? So what, we are broke and cannot help ourselves? But is that really true?
Let’s look at this step by step, shall we… Africa is known as the dark continent. Probably because we did not have electricity before the 1900’s. But we did have the sun right? It couldn’t have been that dark. Oh wait, come to think of it, it might have been. We had a large forest cover that was thick which could have blocked the light from getting to the ground. Oh well we’ll never know… So the whites, British to be exact, thought they would come to Kenya and enlighten us and we became the Kenya colony in 1920. Well that is when they made it official but we all know they had stayed for quite a while before that. From the history I learned in school and the set book ‘The River Between’, the Kenyan people fought for their freedom. The Kabaka guy, Mekatilili Wa Menza and Dedan Kimathi are just a few of the freedom fighters we read about almost every year.

Image result for dedan kimathi statue nairobi

A few collaborated as they were taught about the Good news and introduced to education (these were the guys who followed the saying that ‘when life gives you lemons, make lemonade’). They knew that their weapons were nothing compared to the guns the whites carried with them everywhere. At times I’m not sure if I am happy about the whole colonizing thing or not. I mean sure the Gospel came to Kenya and we were able to access education and utilize most of our unused brain. But on lazy days, I curse the colonizers… I mean instead of going to class and sitting through a long tiresome lecture about the Maxwell’s equations or Bell and Schrodinger (Man I hate this guy😒😒, scientists are weird though. Why did they go ahead and see things that were supposed to be invisible?? Now we have all these things that we are supposed to know and are very difficult)… Uh-oh, I am way off topic. Where was I? Ah, the class. Instead of being in class, I could be somewhere in a forest digging for food maybe. Considering my age, I could have been married with some kids. Well over three I’m guessing. That’s a downside, but it would have been the norm. Walking in animal skin and bathing in the river… aaaah that would have been the life😎!!!

But hey, getting colonized was okay I guess. So here we are in the 21st century and it feels like we are still on a leash. We are still surviving on grants, deep in debt and cannot solve our own problems. The last few months I have attended a few conferences and it just hit me that we are so dependent on other countries. Not to sound ungrateful or anything, trust me I am full of gratitude. How is it that 54 years after becoming an ‘independent’ country we don’t live up to the name? I love our country and would not prefer to live anywhere else but honestly some times I am highly disappointed in ourselves. When I was seated in the UON towers, 6th floor, during a session in the Triple Helix Conference, a question came to my mind. “ARE WE STILL COLONIZED?”. I think the answer came to me just now. No! No, we are not colonized. We have handicapped ourselves. Kenya may seem well off from a far, but we are not doing anywhere close to good. In a population of 44 million, 42% live below the poverty line.

Image result for meme of the rich and poor in kenya
That is not good at all…

That is like a machine that has an efficiency of 58%. Anyone knows that is not good at all. I remember there was a time when we used to say that foreigners cause war in African countries and meddle in our affairs to drain our resources. That may or may not be true, I don’t know and frankly I don’t care for now. I think it’s high time we stop shifting the blame. We take debts and grants from the world bank(or whoever) and for a moment there, we feel rich. Then we divide the cash among different ministries and counties with the intention of making change. Instead they land in people’s pockets thus the rich grow richer and the poor stay poor. We dwell on giving political solutions instead of technical ones. I mean how else would you explain the same road having to be repaired every rainy season, yet the same contractor will be hired time and time again? Right now the roads are being built by the Chinese. Does that mean that we do not have capable guys to do the job? Every year, well over 2000 engineers graduate from the universities. Where do they all disappear to? How is it that the youth are constantly crying that we lack jobs yet the doctors and teachers, in fact all professions, are complaining that they need more people? Strikes have become a day-to-day thing since that seems to be the only way to communicate. Inflation is a nightmare yet our salaries remain a constant. I know I sound like I am just pointing out what is wrong. That is exactly what I am trying to do.


Kenya is a great country with huge potential and brilliant people (or is it just the ones surrounding me? Nuh, I don’t think so). Why don’t we take up responsibility for our own problems. I believe the solution is within us. I mean the problems are our own after all right? Let’s start with the coming elections. Let us all show up to vote and nominate great and honest leaders. Let’s be peaceful. Don’t harm your long term neighbor because they have different views from you. In fact, kura yako ni siri yako (your vote is your own secret). What is tribalism?? We should refuse to be split by something as trivial as tribal lines. WE ARE KENYA🇰🇪!!!

I invite us all to go read our National Anthem and sing it as a reminder of what our country is all about.

Posted in Life, Thoughts, Uncategorized


you toss and turn
your 4 by 6 bed suddenly feels king-sized
you try to force yourself to sleep all in vain
you close your eyes tight to lock the world out
but you just open a window
the window to your heart
and images start streaming in
so vivid and clear you’d think they are streaming in live

memories??… your imagination??
if its just an imagination you almost tap yourself on the back ’cause you’re amazed by your creativity
“maybe i could make a movie…”
but that thought is quickly brushed away as the situation at hand craves and demands for attention
“you should tell…” your heart says
“n risk the rejection?” your mind replies
you’re torn
a battle within yourself
between two decision makers
they never agree
you sing a slow song
it acts as a distraction
and slowly you drift off to sleep
leaving the issue to deal with itself
hoping for nothing but the best

Two months later…

How much damage can one cause in their moment of carelessness. How often can one bite off more than they can chew? How painful it is to hurt someone accidentally yet you saw it coming? “I never meant for this to happen”… Sure we did not. But we still let it happen… Which animal chases after prey only to leave it after getting hold of it? At times we humans act like such. Not that we do it on purpose, neither do we “mean for it to occur”. It’s just how we are. When do we truly know that we love something so much that we can never get tired of it? Today-“I love that song I could listen to it all day every day “… Two weeks later-“I got bored with it” Were we made this way? Isn’t there anything we can do about it? How is it possible to love someone and still be afraid, still be hesitant yet you know they love you more?? I thought love is the answer to a lot of things? Evidently I was wrong


Even now the questions still remain, “To tell, or not to tell…”, “To leave or not to leave…”


Posted in Life, Love, Thoughts, Uncategorized

In Prison… Yet I have The Key

You think you overthink??

Hi, I’m Alfie… my mind is always at work even when I’m asleep. Outwardly I’m beaming with positivity but deep inside, I have constant negative energy. I am very capable of changing the world and impact lives but I lack self-confidence. I like to keep time and meet deadlines but procrastinating is bae. I purpose to have a fulfilling spiritual life but the world engulfs me with all its intoxication. I am a loving person but not necessarily a friendly one. I enjoy people’s company but I hate crowds. I talk big game but I am a coward. I know all these and would like to change… but I have no clue where to start.

From all the movies I have watched, one thing is clear. Prison is rough! You get prosecuted and have a lawyer point out all the things they think you have done wrong; convincing the jury that you should be excommunicated and if possible never exercise your right of freedom. If you have any ounce of decency at that moment, guilt gnaws on you and you’re sure there is no one worse than you in the world. Then you get to prison!! And you realize, you’re not that bad. It could be a wrong way of consoling yourself, but you meet people who have done far worse things (according to you) and you know there is a chance for your redemption. You just made a mistake that you’re paying for by staying in isolation and constantly thinking about what you’ve done, how it has affected various people.

But you know what I find worse? Self-inflicted imprisonment.

Try picturing yourself in a room. An empty room. You’re curled up in a corner looking around nervously as if someone is out to get you; burying your head in your arms that are rested on bent knees. The loneliness and sadness have drawn almost permanent tear lines down your face. The silence is too much for you that you’re almost going mad. Suddenly through the thick walls you can hear what is going on outside the room. You’re curious. You stare at the door wanting to get out into the world. Not that you can see it. The room is too dark as there are no windows, but many years of staying indoors have made you know where everything is. Standing up, you walk towards the door and as you fumble around, you realize there is a key. You open the door and peek outside, there are no guards. Here is your chance at freedom. All it takes is one step… just one. You lift your leg pushing it forward and pause… Then you step back, turn the key and go back to your corner. Later on, you will be wondering why you did that. Why you gave up freedom and locked yourself inside instead of stepping out.

See, in this prison, no one keeps you inside but yourself. There is no judge, only you condemn you. Only you limit your potential. Only you inhibit your own happiness… and it sucks! Nobody likes to be isolated. Human beings are social beings. I always say that we are created for a purpose. When one is in prison, they do not utilize their abilities and one is definitely not happy. Various things can make you imprison yourself including lack of self-belief, self-confidence and self-love. The good thing about this kind of prison (or the bad thing) is that you can get yourself out, only you. People may try to get you out but if you do not want to be helped, you will only stay inside and miss out on opportunities and happiness. We don’t want that now do we??

All you have to do is believe in yourself. Believe that the world is as you make it. That you are in charge. That God has your back. You are never alone, so don’t lock yourself in. You are the key to your own destiny. All you have to do is have faith, and work on it.

Get out of your own self-made prison. Break free!!


I am in the process, just struggling with the key…

Posted in Life, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Trending for who??

In my long/short life, I have come to realize that it gets to a point in one’s life when they question if they are trendy or not. In fact it happens in all stages of one’s life. I remember as a teenager the pressure was real!! Whether you had friends or not depended on how stylish and trendy you were. The situation isn’t much different with the people who are going through their teen years right now. I think it only got worse. What you wear, what you eat, the type of phone you have, your following and presence on social media, who you know, who knows you, how you talk… Every bit of your life has to be on fleek. When you get to 30 you start fearing that you are getting old and irrelevant. You feel the need to be felt and keep up with the activities you did while you were younger. By the time you get to your 40’s midlife crisis kicks in and some decide that this is the time to go out and meet new people, try new things.

But what really is the science behind trends? How do they come to be?

This is how I would explain the hierarchy behind trends:-

First, the originators…

THE TREND-MAKERS. These are the guys who make the products or services that people use; the brains behind the masterpiece. They include designers, manufacturers and entrepreneurs. Risk-taking is what they specialize in trusting that their ideas will be embraced. They take in criticism and convert it into something better than their fist creation.

Image result for trendy trademarks of 2016   Image result for watch brands for men

Then, the people everyone wants to be…

THE TRENDSETTERS. These are the guys who take something people know nothing about and make it the ‘thing’ to have or be doing. Trendsetters are mostly celebrities, socialites and the influential people around us. Even our parents, old as we may think them to be, are trendsetters in a way. Everyone has the ability to be a trendsetter…

Image result for kylie jenner

But sadly (or not), most people are…

THE TREND FOLLOWERS. “Did you see the dress Gigi Hadid had on the red carpet, I would like such?” ,”I should buy a crop top, everyone has one”, “That’s so last year, this is what people are doing now”…I tend to think that these are the kind of statements I hear most from this group of people. They have the latest of everything and don’t like to be left out or be the ones who don’t know the latest gig or gossip.

Suddenly keeping up becomes more important than maintaining one’s identity. People don’t stop to think if what they are getting themselves into goes against their principles and what they stand for. Clothes no longer have to fit right as long as they are the ones everyone is adorning. “Why should I be restricted to being myself while being like so and so is much more exciting?”. It’s amazing the lengths people are willing to go to to obtain some of these expensive things just because it’s ‘trending’…

Personally I just don’t get the fuss over trends. Just because I do not follow trends doesn’t mean I automatically fail to be stylish. Hell I could be my own style-icon for all I care, and I will still make it work. It’s  not about what others are doing. The important thing is ,what works for you? If it happens to be what everyone is into at the moment, well and good. If not, just let it go. It’s better to be wearing last year’s clothes than to attract attraction for the wrong reasons on the streets. Having no make up at all is a much more attractive option than looking like a clown. Being true to yourself is easier than following someone else.

I have nothing against trends and following  them, but I have everything against following them blindly.

Why not be a trend-maker or setter for a change??

The only trend I follow is Living for Christ. In the words of one Taylor Swift; Jesus and I, ‘we never go out of style’

Posted in Life, Love, Mood, Motivation, Self, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Hazard to Myself

It stings so bad. I look for a way to let it out but every time I try, it just gets worse. How else can I do it? Shall I hit something? I don’t think I’m that strong. Or maybe I should try breaking something fragile… but then if it is fragile, it must have cost me something. I don’t think I would like to make things worse for myself as I try to fix them. I see people try to hurt themselves. Does it really work? Even with all my flaws, I still love myself too much. And that is probably why I can’t bear to feel the hurt. Someone like me doesn’t deserve it at all.

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