Hazard to Myself

It stings so bad. I look for a way to let it out but every time I try, it just gets worse. How else can I do it? Shall I hit something? I don’t think I’m that strong. Or maybe I should try breaking something fragile… but then if it is fragile, it must have cost me something. I don’t think I would like to make things worse for myself as I try to fix them. I see people try to hurt themselves. Does it really work? Even with all my flaws, I still love myself too much. And that is probably why I can’t bear to feel the hurt. Someone like me doesn’t deserve it at all.

Or maybe I do it all to myself. Unknowingly or knowingly, what does it matter anyway? Point is, I know the things that hurt me and yet I keep going back to them… the people who do me wrong but still I hung on. I mean how much stupid can one get? I always say my best way to let out steam is through crying. But what do you do when even that fails you? I didn’t think I’d ever get to say this but for once, crying is hard for me. I think of how much I’ve let myself down and I feel that swell in my throat and I think finally, let it rain!!! The breathing gets strenuous and air comes to me in short heavy gasps. It gets hot just around my neck area. The sting in my eyes becomes more pronounced and I feel my eyeballs get wet. My vision gets blurred and the moisture wells up.

Just when I think my eyelids are pregnant enough and its time the tears break free, POOF!! It all disappears. My breathing slows down and the temperature cools. And I’m back to my same disappointed disillusioned self. You know it’s ironical. I easily cry when a friend is hurt and when watching a movie, especially when watching a movie. But when it comes to me I am unable to cry. When I go through hard stuff I have no way of helping myself. Have I become so used to feeling wrong? Anyone who knows me would say that I am possibly the most sensible person they know… that I have nothing troubling me. But they don’t know what I know.

I’m a hazard to myself
Don’t let me get me
I’m my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don’t wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else

:- Pink

When I’m all alone by myself, it all comes at me like a rushing wave. In some funny twisted way I always have answers for others but you know what I find interesting? I have none for myself. And I find my problems too embarrassing to share. To someone else they may sound like the complaints of a foolish girl, but to me they are as real and serious as they could possibly get. I always say “it’s high time I start all over again”. Immediately I say the statement, I forget it. My, oh my, what short memory I have. I won’t lie to myself anymore. It’s better to have no expectations because then you won’t get disappointed.

 

At times we all feel low and let down but who do we throw the blame on?

At times we lie to ourselves that it’s other people’s fault but deep within we know it ain’t

And other times we admit that we are to blame and it kills us

As ladies, I know we go through this often

That is why it is up to us to pick ourselves up and keep going.

Cheer up!!! Life ain’t that hard. It can only get better.

 

 

Thank you for reading…

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